Long, log ago in a galaxy far, far away….

… One of us felt obliged to finish every book she started. Or accepted for review. (Hi, Mom.)

Not anymore.

Too Short

Life’s too short to waste valuable time on lousy books. Snoozefests. Garbage runs. Stuff you wouldn’t feed your pet rock. Especially when there are so many other worthy reads from which to choose. These days we’ll typically give a book three to five chapters to hook us and reel us in. Or about 50-60-ish pages. Kinda depends. But one thing we don’t have time for anymore is, “Wait till it gets better.” Like another 100-ish pages. 

Not playing that game anymore. We just don’t have that kind of time to burn.

So we Did Not Finish (DNF) at will these days.

You can play, too. In fact, here are a few titles we recently sampled and gagged on. So you won’t have to. Cuz your time’s valuable, too. You’re welcome:

Ahab and Jezebel: A Match Made in Hell

By Joseph Bringman

We accepted this book for review cuz coincidentally, we had just finished reading the story of King Ahab and Queen Jezebel in I Kings 16 – 18, et. al.

For those who may not be familiar, Ahab and Jezebel are two of the most infamous villains in all Scripture. They ruled the northern kingdom of Israel during a time of much evil in the land. King Ahab was an Israelite king who married a Sidonian woman named Jezebel and became involved in worshiping Baal, the god of her people. 

Ahab is a noodle-backed wimp. This guy makes Caspar Milquetoast look like Superman. Jezebel, meanwhile, is a scheming, conniving and vicious power-player. She gives rattle snakes a bad name.

We gave this book more time than we usually do. Finally bailed after 14 chapters. Just could not get into it. It’s also badly over-written in places. “Legerdemain” (p. 34.)?  “Putative” (p. 35)? Really? Some of the descriptions are also repetitive – how many times can you say “bulbous eyes”? –  and over the top. The dialogue is sometimes more suited to modern times than ancient Israel.

Sayonara, Baby!

But the final straw in the So Outta Here category was the amount of violence and vice in this book. It pushes the envelope of our G to PG-13 ONLY Submission Guidelines. So not our thing. Sayonora baby! 

Licking the Bottom of the Love Jar

By Jared Woods

With a title like that, we probably shoulda known better, eh? But we thought we’d give this collection of “dark and surreal’ short stories a chance.

Didn’t seem like a mistake at the time.

Which just shows ya what we know.

This is supposedly “a collection of short stories/writings that revolve around the topic of love. But these are not your standard romantic pieces, and are instead darker and more surreal.” That’s like saying these are not your standard bottom of the bird cage. It just looks, smells, tastes, feels, and walks like the bottom of a bird cage. Ergo, bird cage basement.

Not!

Not only NOT our cuppa, it’s not even in our kitchen. Or zip code. Or Galaxy… Gag me!

On The Island of the Mad Magician: An Interactive Tale

By Eric Grissom, 2023

This is one of them thar “interactive” books. As in, non-linear. You kinda make up the story yourself. Like, you’re reading along minding your own business. And if character A does B, flip to page X. If he or she goes somewhere else, flip to page Outer Moldavia. Or just throw the rest of the book against the wall and see what sticks.

Kindly pass the Dramamine.

 

Occupational Studies

By Jeff Namian

Oh, look. Another book that misrepresents itself.

We grabbed this book cuz it was billed as “Humor and Comedy.” You know. Right up our alley. Lost us when it morphed into “issues” book with an agenda. And a startling lack of full disclosure up front. So not playin’ that game. Worse: It’s not funny. Not even chuckle-y.

So off to the Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire! file with ya, and step lively!

You Are What You Eat

by Lynn Failoa

If you are what you eat, then this chow bowl is running on empty. Besides the conspicuous absence of the Fifth and Most Important Food Group – Bacon – can you say, “Snoresville”? 

Any book needing another dose of No Doze is a goner. It also tries too hard. Is populated by flimsy characters we don’t know, don’t want to know, and haven’t the slightest interest in. Triple goner.

Peter Crane: Mountain Goat

By Karen Maharaj

This is supposedly a story about overcoming adversity. Pecksniffian and patronizing, it’s really a 95-page essay on How To Blame Everyone Else For Your Ouchies. Oh, boo hoo.  

That tunes gets old. Fast. Eject! Eject!

 

What titles have you DNFed lately? Why?