Kimber here. Being all Beautiful and Brilliant. As usual. Her Grumpiness is also here today. Being all grumpy and geezerly. As usual. Seems today’s Grumpifying has to do with review requests. Cuz we’ve been getting a lot of stuff that’s straight out of Gag Me With Arugula. I guess we better clarify.

“Kimmi,” says The Big Grump. “We better clarify.”

Didn’t I just say that?

Listen Up

Well. If you’re wondering why your review request wound up in the Big Kitty Litter Box in the Sky, listen up. It could be due to a metric meow’s worth of reasons. But if you want to increase your chances of getting your review request accepted (no promises and no guarantees), here’s what NOT to do. (Can you hear us in the back?)

1. Send us a Review Request like this:

How to Lose Us In Two Seconds Flat

Nothing says “junk mail” like a “Hello there” opening, right? The Fluff Ball could do better than that. This is vague. Impersonal. Lazy. It’s also Exhibit A in How to Lose Us in Two Seconds flat.

2. Ignore Our Submission Guidelines

The query above came from an “author” who obviously didn’t bother to read our Submission Guidelines. (We always know. Always.) If she had, she’d know we have specific requirements for subject lines in a request for a review (“Review M’s books” ain’t it). She’d also know we have specific requirements for “self help” books. (Hers don’t fit. We checked.)

Newsflash, Sweetheart: If you can’t be bothered to comply with these basic requirements, then it’s Sayonora, baby!

3. Don’t Bother Getting to Know The Blog.

In the above example, the author clearly couldn’t be bothered to learn who we are or what we do. Or even what we are and aren’t interested in reviewing. But she wants us to spend hours or maybe days reading her book(s) and drafting a brilliant review?

Newsflash again, Toots: Mom and I don’t roll that way. So off to the Big Kitty Litter Box in the sky with you and take your request with you!

Variation on a theme: Review requests addressed to “Dear Reviewer.” Or something like this:

Bwhahahahahaha!!!

Listen up, Cupcake. We’ve been around long enough to recognize a brainless, generic email blast when we see one. And if you can’t be bothered to figure out who we are or even take the time to learn our blog name, then we don’t have time for your brainless, generic email blast, either.

Try something like this instead:

Subject line: Review Request

Hi Mom and Kimber!

I was reading your incredibly brilliant blog recently and appreciate your sheer genius and Kimber’s Manifest Magnificence!

I’m writing to request a Pages and Paws review of my new book, xxx (title). It’s about xx (brief book description). I’ve read your Submission Guidelines and think my book is a good fit for Pages and Pages, the Coolest Book Blog on the Planet. Here’s some basic info.

• My book is rated G to PG-13.
• My target audience is xx.
• My book is xx pages.
• The genre is xx.
• It’s available in print copy.

I understand you have a ginormous backlog. But I’m hugely patient and can send a print copy or PDF and extra crispy bacon as soon it comes out of the pan (the bacon, not the book). If you like my book, I promise to Like and Comment on your review and share links into Infinity and Beyond.

I eagerly await thy royal bidding, O Supremely Regal Ones.

There. Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?