Hark! Tis I, Kimber the Magnificent. Being all brilliant and beautiful and everything. With an important FYI about The ‘Ole Curmudgeon. You know it’s important cuz I say it is. So, I’d listen up ‘fize you, Cookie. Here it is:
Her Royal Momness, aka: The ‘Ole Curmudgeon, Her Royal Crankiness, She Who Must Be Obeyed, was diagnosed with a “chronic, progressive disease” in August. (Not cancer).
There is no cure. They can slow the disease progression. Possibly arrest it.
But they can’t cure it.
Hark! Her Royal Momness Speaketh! With a Royal Announcement-eth! (I’d listen up ‘fize you!)
We are CLOSED to new review requests until further notice. For three main reason-eths:
When folks commit The Unpardonable Sin of ignoring our Guidelines, they’re wasting our time. And theirs. Now, we used to feel obliged to respond to every review request, no matter how ridiculous or unlikely. We don’t feel that way anymore. It’s a waste of our time. So we don’t bother.
Speaking of “bother,” another reason we’re temporarily closing the review queue: You wouldn’t believe the number of authors and others who get a positive review (3.0 or above) and bail. Never to be seen or heard from again. Let alone Like, Share, and Comment. Which is a requirement for every positive review. It’s clearly stated in our Guidelines.
NEWSFLASH Buttercup: It takes a LOT of time and effort to read a book and craft a brilliant review. We don’t even charge for said genuis. So we’re not too keen on pouring time and effort into a review for an author who can’t even be bothered to take two mins to say Thanks. It’s also a good way to get burnt out. And that’s pretty much where we’re at. (But we really, really appreciate the few who do take the time to read and abide by our Guidelines. Cuz you’re really, really PAWsome. Maybe not quite as Pawsome as a T-bone steak. Nobody’s perfect.)
So there you have it, Cupcake.
We have plenty of stuff still in the blogging pipeline. In case you’re wondering, Toots. Just not accepting any new review requests until further notice.
TTFN.
What?
Kimber here. With a quick update on my two favorite hoomans. Her Royal Momness and His Royal Dadness.
If you’re a regular reader, you probably know that The Royals were waylaid by The Creeping Crud (RSV) for over a month. Mom is doing much better. So, watch out world!
Dad developed a blood clot in his leg. Most likely due to inactivity while battling RSV. Thankfully, we got him to the E.R. fast as greased lightning. Found a blood clot a la ultrasound. Got him on blood thinners right away. (The hoomans say blood clots are very dangerous. Can be deadly in minutes. In case you’re wondering.)
Not good! Not good! Red alert!
Mom and I spend tons of time combing through review requests and deciding what we will or won’t accept. If a book is accepted, we may spend hours and hours or days reading it. And more time crafting a brilliant and pithy review.
It’s a huge investment of time and energy. We don’t charge any fees for reviews. We don’t get a cent for doing this. Not one penny. Our time and talent is free to you, Cupcake.
So THE LEAST YOU CAN DO is Like, Comment, and Share the Post Link for a positive review of 3.0 or above. This not only helps promote your book, it also boosts post visibility. So again:
Liking, Commenting, and Sharing the Link to a positive review is a REQUIREMENT for anyone asking for a review. If you don’t do so within three days of post publication, we will remove the post.
Don’t think we’ll do it, Toots? Think again. Reviews of the following books have been removed because the author(s) failed to adhere to our Like, Comment, and Share requirement outlined above:
***
Don’t think we don’t notice. We do.
Kimber: And you sooooo do not want to get catty-wampuss to The Old Curmudgeon. Bad idea. Really bad idea.
And to those authors and publicists who do take the time to adhere to our requirements, THANK YOU! You’re still PAWsome!
If you’re lookin’ for angels cha-cha-ing through the realms of glory, singe-ing chestnuts on an open fire (Mom’s special expertise) or ringing sleigh bells, sorry to disappoint with this here announcement thingy.
But if you’ve been waiting for word about when we plan to re-open to new review requests, you’re in luck! Or gravy. Or leftover turkey. Or… something yummy.
After trying to climb out from underneath a Mount Everest backlog of review requests we had stacked up from here to breakfast, we’re finally seeing daylight. So we’re re-opening the review request queue to new requests.
Cuz today’s the day!
I, Kimber the Magnificent, officially declare Pages and Pages (Re) OPEN for new review requests.
You’re welcome. Just don’t inundate us all at once, okay? While you’re at it, kindly note that we reserve the right to decline any submission for any reason whatsoever without any explanation. Period.
Our Rating System and Submission Guidelines exist for a reason, okay? So for the NINE MILLIONTH TIME, kindly save us both some time and effort by Reading Our Submission Guidelines BEFORE you hit us up with your magnum opus.
Cuz Mom and I? We’re kinda like Santa. We make a list. Check it twice. We find out who’s naughty and nice when it comes to review requests. Like, we know exactly who does and does not read our Submission Guidelines. Always. And believe you me, you so do not want to get on The ‘Ole Curmudgeon’s bad side(s) by submitting stuff we’re not interested in. Or committing the other Unpardonable Sin: Getting a positive review (3.0 rating or above) and failing to Like, Comment on, or Share the post within three days of publication. We know that, too. (Failure to do so can and usually does result in removal of the post.)
So I’d listen up ‘fize you.
We will now return you to our regularly scheduled cha-cha-ing.
Wait. Is that eggnog?
Submission Guidelines
“Yo! Wazzup?”
Her Momness and I have been kicking back, enjoying the holidays and being lazy slugs. That’s why you haven’t seen us here lately. Then someone asked, “So, Kimber and Mom. What are your top ten titles for 2024?” Actually, it was several someones. But who’s counting?
Well. One of us – the sweet furry-faced one smiled sweetly at that question. The other kind of shrugged it off. (Hi, Mom.) I mean, sheesh. We read close to 600 titles this year. So “Top Ten” or “Best Books We Read in 2024”? Really?
Told ya.
But the question kept coming. Responding turned out to be harder than we thought. A lot harder. In case you’re wondering, Cupcake. And even if you’re not. But not for the reason you may think. Like this:
We give out a super duper, totally pawsitively and magnificently splendiderous author award every once in awhile. Comes with extra pawsome sauce. It’s called The Kimber Award. Because, hey. It’s me.
We’ll get to that in just a min. So kindly keep your hair on, Toots. First an update on The Ole Curmudgeon.
Mom was in the hospital place recently. She hates hospitals. So do I. They won’t allow me inside. Silly hospitals.
Incoming! Incoming! Grab the helmets and flak jackets! RED ALERT! Cuz Her Crankiness is on the warpath today! Like, Super-Duper Cranky.
My baby picture. I know. I’m adorable.
Why? Cuz yesterday she received her *promo* copy of a book she contributed an article to about Yours Truly. It’s an anthology called When Love Wags a Tail: Inspiring Stories of Love, Loyalty, and Laughter.
And we Totally Hate it.
What the “author” did to our story ranks right up there with pre-chewed bacon.
Good Monday morning friends, Romans, readers, authors, and fellow countrypeeps!
Lend us your ears! Cuz we have an important announcement:
We’ll re-open the queue as soon as we get caught up and catch our breath. Depends on how fast we can dig our way out from under the Mount Everest of pending reviews that are still awaiting our attention.
So kindly note that we aren’t accepting any new book review requests until we get a handle on this shovel thing. Like maybe August-ish.
We’ll still be publishing reviews and other strokes of genius on a regular basis. We’re just not accepting any new book review requests until further notice.
Thanks and see ya soon!
XXOO
Mom and Kimber the Magnificent
Her Crankiness is at again. Being all cranky. Refusing to share her chocolate. Again. (That’s actually a good thing if you’re a dog like me. We don’t do chocolate. It’s toxic for us dogs.)
Anyway, She Who Must Be Obeyed has an important announcement. It’s for authors. Author wannabes. Publicists. Blog tour coordinators. Publishers. Pretty much anyone who contacts us for a review.
If you’re one of the above, kindly pay attention. Cuz this is for you. And we’re not gonna repeat ourselves, savvy? So I’d listen up ‘fize you. Here goes:
Pages & Paws 