Ah, summer! Sun. Sand. The beach! Mom’s fave iced tea. Big ‘ole fluffy towel. Dark glasses. Floppy hat. That Russian novel she’s been threatening to finish since shortly after the discovery of fire. And snacks. Don’t forget snacks! And, really. How was I supposed to know a mini cooler is for cooling, not burying in the sand after running it all over the beach at Mach 4?

Well. That was yesterday’s beach adventure. Live and learn, eh? There was also: 

The Tail of the Towel. Aka: a giant, plush bullseye perfectly calibrated to absorb water right before I launch a full-body shake and douse Mom with enough salt water to sink the Bismarck. Oh, and that soggy, salty belly-flop onto chapter 3? It was an accident. Promise.

The “Quicksand” Illusion. How come the beach doesn’t come with more grass? Why am I always sinking? And what’s up with all this sand?

The Great Chapter Bury. Okay, okay. So maybe I did get a little carried away with that beach excavation thing. Like, digging half-way to China. And chucking sand all over Tolstoy. But, hey. The guy needed a face lift anyway. Think of all the money I saved him!

The Bait and Switch. Mom said, “Wanna play fetch?” Well. What kinda question is that?! Soon as she tossed the stick, I was all in! Sprinting full-speed down the coastline to:

• Outrun every shorebird in sight.
• Roll in every piece of seaweed I could find.
• Say “hello” to everyone in the same zip code.
• Protect Mom from one very sketchy-looking plastic bag.

The Salty Sea Gulp. Kids, don’t try this at home! Yeech!

Well. We had fun. Mostly. One of us even learned a few things. So here, at no extra charge, are some tips for surviving a “beach read” with your canine. (Accessories not included. Batteries sold separately.)

• Pack a Canine Command Center: Bring an Explorer Dog Travel Bag to organize all the toys, fresh water, and portable bowls to keep them distracted from your book.
• Bring Shade: A pop-up sun shelter makes a good chill zone where your pup can stay cool, keeping the sand-kicking radius at a safe distance. Add a cooling mat.
• Accept Defeat: Honestly, the best way to handle reading at the beach with Fido is to just accept that your book will end up as a glorified chew toy. Bring a waterproof e-reader, or just give up and enjoy watching your furry bestie live their absolute best life in the surf. And leave that Russian novel at home. Kimber: Works for me! Can we go again tomorrow? Can we? Can we? Huh? Huh?