Attention Authors!

Kimber: Her Grumpiness is about to Make An Announcement. Something about reviews and author interviews. And how NOT to get on her grumpy side. So it’s all paws on deck, okay? 

Okay, Her Grumpiness. All present and accounted for. (I’d listen up ‘fize you.)

Mom: Thanks, Kimber. Let’s get right to it. Recent submissions indicate we need to provide additional clarification on two basics:

1.      How to Get a Negative Review in Three Easy Steps.

2. Author Interviews. Aka: What’ll get your interview a one-way ticket to the Big Kitty Litter Box in the Sky. (So don’t go there, okay?)

So here goes:

How to Get a Negative Review in Three Easy Steps (Examples taken from actual events. Names and places sort of changed to protect the not-so-innocent):

1) Use gratuitous profanity and offensive language.

One author complained about his profanity-laced collection of “poetry” that netted him a 3.0 score on Reedsy/Discovery.  What he didn’t know is that a 3.0 on R/D was a gift. If his book was reviewed here, it’d get a 1.0. On a good day.

This same author, a serial complainer, also whined about other less-than-stellar reviews. His objection? Basically, he put a lot of time and hard work into his book. So he thought it deserved a higher rating.

Newsflash, Cupcake: Time and hard work alone do not necessarily a good book make. If they did, your Maytag would be on the NYT Bestseller List. And if you’re fishing for four or five star ratings, bub, you’re using the wrong pole. In the wrong pond. So here’s an idea (thrown’ this in for free): Instead of whining about low scores, how ‘bout cleaning it up and writing a better book? Duh.

2) Argue with the reviewer about your book’s rating.

Don’t make me explain this. See #1, above.

3) Submit a book that’s so sloppy it’ll make your mama’s hair ache.

One author actually submitted a “short story” for review that was not only not short, it wasn’t even a “story.” As in, no real beginning, middle, or end. And oh yeah, no point. Hello? He also didn’t seem to know the difference between “memoir” and a maundering, incoherent brain dump. That aching hair thing again.

You’ve heard of “drunk tweeting”? That was how this guy’s “short story” read. Only longer. And why anyone would submit their book for review with “partially edited” In. The. Title boggles the mind. So don’t be that person. You’re better off drunk tweeting.

If you’ve read this far, you’re smarter than all of the above. You also renew our faith in a merciful God.

Yea, verily. It takes a lot of time and effort to read and review books. For free. We don’t have time for junk. As defined by us. Selah.

To reiterate: We do honest reviews here. If we hate your book, we say so. If we love your book, we say so. You just never know. As defined by us again.

But if you’re feeling brave and have actual, real talent and a professionally edited book – instead of drunk tweeting 2.0 – check out what we are and are not looking for regarding book submissions. You can find that in our Rating System and Submission Guidelines.

On Author Interviews

Now. If we agree to host an Author Interview as part of a blog tour or other promotional event – and that’s a big IF – please note our word limit for same is about 900 words. (If we really like you, we might stretch it to 950. Maybe a bit more if you bribe us with crispy bacon. But no promises, okay?)

To wit

We do not have time to edit or otherwise polish your interview. We expect you to polish your work before you submit it. If it’s riddled with typos and other errors when you send it, it stays that way on the blog. We also don’t have time to read through and prune your zillion-word Q & A interview responses into fighting trim. Kindly keep it within our word limit or Off You Go! (Do Not Pass Go. Do not collect $200.)

To wit again

You sooo do not want to be the nameless author who recently sent us a 3,681 word Q & A “interview” that was not only overlong but as dull as dirt to boot. Do that, pal, and your submission goes straight to the Big Kitty Litter Box in the Sky.

Are we clear? Good.

We will now return you to our regularly scheduled blogging.