Kristin Hannah is a “#1 New York Times Bestselling Author.” She’s “Superb at delving into the character’s psyches and delineating nuances of feeling.” Her books are “full of honest emotion.”

Yawn.

So. Not. Impressed. Truth is, kids, Kristin Hannah novels are a mixed bag. Yeppers, she’s a prodigious talent. Greatly skilled at weaving masterful, suspenseful tales packed with emotion and dripping with drama. Her stories are compelling and usually read-it-in-a-day kind of quick.

But they often leave us feeling like we oughtta wash our eyes out with soap. Or take a shower inside our head.

Mixed Bag

 So it’s a mixed bag. And you know what “bestselling author” means around here, right? Like, “Give me a nickel for your thoughts and I’ll refund you six cents.” Far as we’re concerned, just cuz something’s popular doesn’t mean it’s any good. Or even worth reading.

Pans & Praise

Fact is, we’ve been known to pan Pulitzer Prizer winners. And heap mountains of praise on unknown indie authors. Because if the former is marginally coherent, contains undue amounts of R-rated contents, gratuitous profanity and violence and has all the appeal of a plate of overcooked kale, we are So. Done. With. You. Don’t care how many copies you’ve sold, Cookie. Or where you are on the NYT “Bestselling” list, Sweetness. You start pouring that kind of junk onto pages left and right, Toots, and you’ve lost us.

Big Issue

That’s our big issue with Hannah novels. Well-written? Check. Compelling? Check. Engrossing and absorbing? Check.  Page-turners? Check. Foul language? Check. Objectionable, unsympathetic and over-the-top characters with no moral compass whatsoever? Check, check, check, and check. Marinated in booze and adultery? Check. In fact, one thing you can count on in pretty much every Hannah “contemporary women’s fiction” novel is gallons of booze and bed-hopping. As if Dewar’s and infidelity are magic cure-alls for whatever ails. 

Can I sell ya a beachfront bridge in Barstow?

Undercurrents

An undercurrent of cynicism – almost to the point of jaded -often ripples just beneath the surface of your average Hannah novel. Sharp-edged and jagged, it’s brittle and can be banal.

Another Bone

Another bone we have to pick with Hannah: You probably don’t want to be a male character in a Hannah novel. Cuz more often than not, they’re jerks. Big time. As in clueless, immature, self-absorbed dolts. You wouldn’t think it’d be that hard to find a decent, honest, faithful dude somewhere in America. Or beyond. But good luck finding one in most Hannah novels. Short list:

• The Great Alone: Ernt Allbright, a Vietnam vet  with PTSD who’s just this side of the looney bin. Read our review here.
• The Four Winds: Ant Martinelli and Jack Valen. See our review here.
• The Women: Rye Walsh, serial adulterer in this novel set during and around the Vietnam War. Here’s our review.
• On Mystic Lake: Nick Hall
• True Colors: Dallas Raintree.

We could go on. But one of us is ready for her walk and a doggie treat.

Distant 

Wait. Where were we?

Oh yeah. Hannah novels.

Recent case in point: Distant Shores. Overlong, over-written and over-baked, this “marriage in crisis” story wheezes along like a bad case of flu. The main character is 45 y.o. Elizabeth “Birdie” Shores. She’s “just a piece of herself” after two kids and 24 years of marriage to her ex-NFL football star hubby Jack. So she goes in search of that lost piece. While Helen Reddy belts out I Am Woman in the background. Or… something.

Kimber: I’m nominating that Birdie chick to head up the local chapter of the Boo Hoo Brigade.

Mom: Perfect!

Besides booze, infidelity, and enough foul language to have moms reaching for a bar of soap – a big one – the Distant Shores plot also has more holes than the Jersey Turnpike. Stuff that doesn’t make sense. Like Birdie decides to separate from Jack when he lands a choice gig as a sports talk show host in NYC because she absolutely, positively, no how, no way, uh-uh, not gonna happen in a million, zillion years is gonna move out of their cozy beach cottage in Oregon to live in the Big Apple. But the last page? She’s been accepted into grad school. At Columbia U. Yeah. The one in NYC.

Anyway

Clean and uplifting love stories may not be as popular as some of the more dramatic reads out there. That NYT “best-selling author” stuff. Like we care about lists.

Clean, Uplifting Alternatives

But trust us, clean and inspiring love stories are just as satisfying, if not more. If you’re looking for a break from the emotional rollercoaster and relational detritus that comes with Kristin Hannah novels, give these heartwarming, hope-filled author alternatives a try. 

The authors below are exceptionally gifted writers. Master storytellers. Their books are top-notch. Captivating. Read-cover-to-cover-in-one-sitting kinda compelling.  There are plenty of challenges, heartbreaks and disappointments in their books, to be sure. But there’s always an element of hope. Echoes of mercy. Whispers of love. ‘Sides. You don’t need to wash your eyes out with soap after reading ’em:

Richard Paul Evans

Karen Kingsbury

Jan Karon

Debbie Macomber

 

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Who would you add?