Happy Tuesday Authors!

At least it’s a happy Tuesday for some of us. Others who shall remain nameless are sulking (Hi, Mom!). Lemme explain.

Her Crankiness (hi again, Mom) is miff-ified at authors who waste her time by not adhering to and/or ignoring our submission guidelines or following through on their commitments when they request a review.

Case in point.

A Big Stretch

Awhile back Mom got a review request for a “historical fiction” book “because many people turn to independent reviewers for realistic recommendations on what to read. Considering the current social, economic, and political climate, not only are readers looking for something new and different, many are wondering about young America’s beginnings as a nation. A Healing Touch speaks to this interest.”

We enjoy historical fiction. So we decided to dive in. Only to find out that “historical fiction” is a mighty big stretch for this thing.

Cuz what starts out as a story “of two people blazing trails into the Northwest Territory along the Ohio River in 1796” crashes big time in chapter 22. Here the author seems to forget where she is, jumping from historical fiction into porno. Too bad. It was a pretty good story up until that point.

Bye! Outta here! Doneski! Hasta la vista baby!

Two Things

“Can’t believe I wasted two days on that,” grumbles Her Crankiness. Cuz there are two things that’ll get your book into the nearest round file (trash can), right off the puppy chow:

1. Mistreating any animal, especially dogs, or
2. Crap of the R-rated variety (or worse).

So don’t even go there. Don’t waste our time. It ticks us off. It gets you on our Kitty Litter List. You don’t want to be there, okay? (I’m telling you this so you won’t hawk up a hairball when we pan your stuff  because you didn’t bother to read the submission guidelines. Think of it as a public service announcement.)

Speaking of Which

For the zillionth time, as noted in the first line of our Rating System & Submissions page (for anyone who could be bothered to read it):

We review fiction and nonfiction books rated G to PG-13. We don’t have the time or interest in anything else. (Occasional exceptions may be made on the basis of artistic merit. But that is rare.)

Also…

Another thing. (You knew that was coming, right?) We occasionally participate in select blog tours. We don’t do it now as much as we used to. For one thing, trying to get a copy of the book in a preferred format in an expeditious manner can practically take an Act of God.

It shouldn’t be that hard. Helloooo?

Lazy Authors

Also, we’re tired of lazy authors. Authors who don’t hold up their end of the bargain. As in, “Author Suzy Smith will be visiting each blog on the day of your post and leaving a comment.” 

Less Than Thrilled

When the comment shows up as the authorly equivalent of “See Spot. See Spot run,” we’re less than thrilled. Even worse, we’ve had authors whose “comment” is as generic and predictable as election season (don’t get us started!).

We know a cut and paste hack job when we see one. And you wouldn’t believe how many of these cut and paste jobbies we get from authors who are too lazy to submit a thoughtful comment based on the actual, real post.

“Worser”

Even “worser”? An author who can’t be bothered to comment at all.

Listen, bub. We spend a truckload of time and effort reading and reviewing books. For free. If we’ve read your book and penned a positive review, the least you can do is drop a meaningful comment in return.

If you don’t or won’t, you can be sure we’ll remember. And any subsequent review request will go straight to the Kitty Litter Box in the Sky. 

Stay Inside the Lines

So. To recap: Nothing tees off Her Crankiness like authors who can’t or won’t follow simple instructions, misrepresent their work, or don’t follow through. She will not be happy that you’ve wasted her time. (Not a good idea. Trust me on this.)

Since you’re still reading, however, you’re smarter than that. You’re up front about your book. Its genre, storyline, and content. If you’re honest about that and follow through, we like you already. If you’re not, then off to the Big Kitty Litter Box in the Sky with you!

Are we clear?