Author Alert! Author Alert!

Incoming!

Kimber here. Advising you that Her Crankiness is at it again. Regarding book review requests. As in, how NOT to request a book review from us. And HOW TO GREATLY REDUCE the chances of getting your review request accepted. Also a word about guest posts.

If you’re a serious author, you’re gonna want to know this stuff. So here’s the 4-1-1:

About Half

We get tons of requests for book reviews. We accept maybe half. Your chances of getting your review request accepted are dramatically reduced if: 1) You give yourself away as a rank amateur, or 2) You clearly haven’t bothered to read our submission guidelines. (We always know. Always.)

Cuz Mom and I? We’re pretty smart. (Well. At least one of us is smart.) It takes me, The Kimster, about 2 seconds to sniff out an author who hasn’t bothered to read our blog and/or submission guidelines. (You’re not fooling anyone.)

Here are some ways you give yourself away and all but ensure a rejection notice:

• Your book includes the repeated use of gratuitous profanity.

That’s a big no-no here. Don’t like that? Too bad. So sad. Our blog. Our rules.

• You use fiction to deliver Pecksniffian political polemics or champion your pet social issue.

No thank you.

• Your review request includes something like,” Please send me your review in advance of posting.”

Newsflash: We don’t do that. Period.

• You review request includes, “Please let me know when and where it will be posted.”

Excuse me?!!?

RANK AMATEUR ALERT!

A comment like the above tells us, clear as day, that you not only haven’t bothered to read our submission guidelines, you also don’t even know who we are or what we do.

Our time is valuable. We’re not gonna waste it on you. So sayonara, baby!

• Your request requires the installation of another app, or even worse – you expect me to buy your book –  in order to review it, consider that a non-starter.

Kimber Translation: Your ARC/book is either easy to access and read on Mom’s terms, or it goes to straight to the Big Kitty Litter Box In The Sky. Poof!

 

• You send us your bazillion-paged manuscript in PDF. (You still haven’t read our submission guidelines.)

A Word About PDFs

We don’t typically accept ARCs in PDF because PDFs are difficult for us to read and we’re not fans of migraines.

And. We. Hate. Them. (PDFs, that is. Ditto migraines.)

To wit:

1. We don’t care how brilliant your writing is. A glowing review is highly unlikely if it means squinting through teeny-tiny print on a phone and/or grabbing the nearest bottle of Ibuprofen. 
2. In other words: If the ARC is in a format that’s physically uncomfortable and difficult to read (hi, PDF), the review will probably reflect that. We’re just funny that way. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Guest Posts 

While we’re on the subject – sort of –

We occasionally offer guest posts to select authors. Why only “occasionally”? you ask. Good question. Here’s why:

Because guest posts are only offered to authors who say “Thank you.” 

You wouldn’t believe the number of authors who send us a review request, then bail. Forever. Never to be seen or heard from again. 

The Least

Never mind that we’ve spent hours and hours – or even days or weeks – reading your book and writing a review. You’d think the least an author can do is say “thank you.” And/or leave a comment. But only about 2% ever do.

That’s two percent.

So if you want to increase your chances of being offered a guest post, you know what to do.

Meanwhile, for the nine millionth time:

Kindly Read. The. Guidelines. You’ll save us both a lot of time. And one of us may like you a lot better. If she feels like it. You never know.

Got that?