Mom and I used to feel duty-bound to finish every book we picked up. Or someone wanted us to review. Even if continued reading felt like plowing through a raging blizzard in the middle of Siberia. In winter. At night. Bare foot.

We don’t feel that way anymore.

So, listen up, Buttercup. About 2.6 mil books were published globally last year. Some are worth reading. Others aren’t. Some books are just lousy. Poorly written with paper-thin plots and anemic characters. Others just aren’t our cuppa. As in, Yawn.

Ya see, Sweets, we just don’t have time for stuff that doesn’t wag our tail or spin our canine grin. Or otherwise makes our hair ache. ‘Sides. With so many good books out there waiting to be discovered and enjoyed, we don’t do those that feel like a lurch into the La Brea Tar Pits. Are vying for permanent residency in Dull as a Blunt Spoon-ville or So What? Land.

Again, we just don’t have time for books we don’t enjoy or that don’t connect. So, when that through gritted teeth in Siberia thing pops up, we’re ready to bail.

We’re just funny that way.

‘Sides again. That’s what our DNF pile’s for, capiche?

Anywho. Now we Did Not Finish whenever the spirit moves, so to speak. Or our eyes start to glaze over. We try to give every book a fair chance. But if you haven’t hooked us in the first 30-50 pages or so, the chance of us staying around longer is about as thin as a toothpick on GoLo.

So, here’s our latest DNF list:

The Chosen One’s Best Friend*

By Lynette Bacon-Nguyen

Billed as a Young Adult Magical Realism read, this book stumbles almost right out of the gate. Brittle writing. Cardboard characters. Contrived dialogue. If you’re big into video games, you might enjoy this. While we grab another Tylenol. Three chapters was all we could down before consigning the rest to DNF ignominy. Bye!

Letters to an Embryo*

By Jasna Kaludjerovic

This book is grabbing some glowing reviews elsewhere. Like we care?

Written as a novel based on the author’s real-life experience, this is an epistolary memoir taking readers on a deep dive into the author’s struggles and emotions in the aftermath of a painful divorce, infertility, failed pregnancies, and an extra frozen embryo from the last unsuccessful IVF attempt. She also struggles to navigate the terra incognita of career changes/decisions, potential motherhood, new relationships, and ethical dilemmas posed by IVF.

This book is a heavy lift, topping out at over 400 pages. That’s probably about 200 pages too long. Just didn’t grab us. Didn’t help that some letters are redundant. Covering ground that’s already been covered. Covering ground that’s already been covered. Covering ground that’s…. See how this works?

It also feels “over.” Overwritten. Overlong. Over-shared. Bailed out after about 75 pages.

And to think we coulda been watching paint peel.

What They Don’t Tell You About Paul: a Critique*

We had two questions about this book right off the bat.

Question #1, asketh by Kimber the Magnificent: Okay, Mom. Who’s the “they” in the title?

Question #2: Any time we see the word “critique” in a title, we question the author’s credentials. Do they have any? What’s their expertise in the subject? Do they have any background, education, demonstrable training or gravitas to show they have any idea what the hey they’re talking about?

Q1 Answereth: That’s a good question. It remains vague and ambiguous. Kinda like this book.

Q2 Answereth: Not much. Kinda like this book again. Which is one reason we don’t recommend it.

Also, the “target audience” for this book is way off. Ages seven to 18? Surely you jest. Most adults will struggle with this book. It’s as dry as the Atacama. And the typos? How do we take an author seriously who says she’ll compare “Paul’s writings and Jesus’ teaching” and examine “where Paul’s views compliment and contradict Jesus’” Or, Paul “created a sales pitch for membership in the religious sect of the Jewish Messiah… it must have been shear grace.”

Conspicuous by its absence in this “critique” is any discussion of biblical inerrancy or verbal plenary inspiration. Thus, Paul does a whole lot of unilateral “deciding” and “misinterpreting.” Like the author.

Newsflash, Chickadee: Paul was the Apostle to the Gentiles. He played a pivotal role in the spread of early Christianity beyond its Jewish roots. Paul’s missionary journeys, theological writings, and passionate advocacy for inclusion of non-Jews in the nascent Christian movement earned him this distinctive title and cemented his place as one of the most influential figures in Christian history. And while there are differences in emphasis and context between Paul and Jesus, the primary messages are harmonious. (Her Momness has minor in Biblical Studies and Theology from a top Christian university. So don’t even go there, Cupcake.)

Runaway Slaves: Rebels on the Plantation

By John Hope Franklin and Loren Schweninger

Ever scooped up a book with high hopes? Like you’re getting ready to cliff dive off Cabo San Lucas? You take a deep breath. Balance. Leap and…. Splat. Wind up in two inches of water in the shallow end of the kiddie pool.

That’s what reading Runaway Slaves is like. We were looking for something new. Fresh. That we didn’t already know or hadn’t yet read about or researched.

But. That kiddie pool thing. It’s also as dull as dirt. Bailed after about 150 pages.

Wednesday, After*

By Richard Sherry

What happens when an anti-Trump scree pretends to be a “political thriller”?

That’s what this “speculative fiction” hunka junk does. And pretty badly, too.

Newly elected President Scott Martin (Trump cardboard cut-out) is manipulative, cut-throat and Machiavellian. His nemesis is a retired political science prof named Ed Baker.

Nauseatingly smug and self-righteous, Baker and his wife Melody are waaaay smarter than the peasants and peons who voted for Martin. They join California’s supposedly heroic governor, “Gareth Costa,” in the aftermath of the California wildfires to hyperventilate over Martin’s alleged support for “the Legacy Project” – a not-so-subtle reference to the Heritage Foundation’s “Project 25” policy paper – and pretty much everything else the Martin administration is doing.

Meanwhile, rather than surrendering to Russia, Ukranian president President Nepokhytnyy orders a nuclear blast on Ukranian soil. As intended, the detonation destroys the Ukranian prez and his wife as well as Kyiv, Putin, and much of the Russian military brass.

NATO is in an uproar. Ditto much of the world. And it’s all President Martin’s fault.

It’s all downhill from there. Kinda like this book. Incidentally, we found the book blurb to be misleading. So additional demerits there.

Besides the brittle, predictable story and cartoonishly caricatured characters, the cynicism and partisan pot shots overwhelm the plot and derail what’s left of this one-sided rant. We’ve also been around long enough to recognize propaganda when we see it. Ugh.

So. Got this book as part of a blog tour. We couldn’t stomach more than about 90 pages. Which was probably 70 pages too many. Bowed out of the tour. Cuz, really. Reading is supposed to be fun. Not painful. Or dripping with Pecksniffian sermonizing disguised as “dialogue.” If we want that kind of super-heated political scree stuff, we’ll tune into the News. (Kimber: Gag me again).

Yea, verily again. We have like, a ton of other books awaiting reviews. And zero time for fiction that’s as much fun as a bad case of flu.

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What’s in your DNF pile?