Her Crankiness is at it again. That scrunchy face eye roll thing.

“Good grief!” Mom flounces. “Not again!” (“Flounces.” Isn’t that a great word? No idea what it means. But Mom likes it. So I do too.)

Now what? says I, Kimber the Magnificent. You know. The level-headed one. All even-keeled and imperturbable. (No idea what that means either. But it sounds good, huh? Can I eat it?)

Well. Gonna cut to the chase here. Save you some time. As in:

IF YOU’RE AN AUTHOR OR AN AUTHOR WANNABE REQUESTING A REVIEW, DO NOT DO THIS!! EVER!!

Can you hear us in the back?

Here’s what we mean. On the Sure Loser List. DO NOT do any of the following.  Starting with review requests that send us to third parties. Like:

Dude. Dudette. Listen up. We’re busy. If you can’t be bothered to provide the relevant info we ask for in our Rating System and Submission Guidelines or Sample Review Request, then don’t expect us to bother with your book. We’re just funny that way.

Variation on a theme #2:

Generic much?

We get something like this on our In Box and it tells us:

This author couldn’t be bothered to spend 5 minutes on the blog finding out who we are, what we review, or what our bookish interests are. Also, we could care less about your Goodreads on Amazon page. Cuz newsflash, Cupcake: We’re neither. Hello?

This kind of request also tells us the author is too lazy to provide a decent synopsis of their work in the body of the request email. They expect us to click external links instead. Good luck with that.

#3: Other newsflash, Sweetness: This kind of generic request tells us you not only haven’t read our Submission Guidelines, but you’re also on a fishing expedition. Haven’t even bothered to check if your title is a good fit for this blog or not. Ergo, you’re wasting our time. Not. Cool. So off to the Big Kitty Litter Box In The Sky with you!

These kinds of review requests get dumped. Cuz guess what else, Cookie? We don’t have time to waste on authors who can’t or won’t follow simple instructions. There are plenty of other authors who can. And do. They’re way more likely to get our attention. Savvy?