One of us used to feel a teensy twinge when an author complained about a negative book review. For a lousy book.

Now she just laughs:

 

Newsflash, Cupcake: We do honest reviews here. We’ve panned Pulitzer Prize winners we thought weren’t worth the paper they’re printed on. We’ve also heaped praise on unknown indie authors who earn it. So don’t whine about a negative review. You sound like the “wah-wah” adult in Peanuts.

Cuz guess what, Toots? We So. Don’t. Care.

Now that we’ve got that outta the way, buckle up. Cuz it’s time for another rip roarin- edition of Big Kitty Litter Box in the Sky Awards. Cuz, holy Meow Mix! You don’t want to waste your valuable time on lousy snoozers that make fish wrap look delish, right? We already did that. So you don’t have to. You’re welcome. (Note: We received complimentary copies of most of these titles in exchange for honest reviews.)

Here’s the short list of qualifications for a Big Kitty Litter Box in the Sky award:

1. A pointless slog to the Middle of Nowhere littered with unsympathetic cardboard characters we don’t know, don’t want to know, and could care less about.
2. Poor writing littered with spelling and grammatical errors and typos.
3. Brittle, wilted writing that’s as inspiring as overcooked cabbage. Or week-old sushi.
4. Political polemics disguised as fiction.
5. Badly overwritten, tedious and mundane. Dull as a box of rocks and twice as dense.
6. Does not enrich, enlighten, educate or inspire in any way.
7. Gratuitous violence and/or profanity.
8. A snoozefest.

 So here, without further ado, is our BKLBITS Awards, Part V. Drum roll please:

The Anthropologist

By Jon Ferguson

Genre: Wannabe

In an apparent attempt to justify this hunka junk, the author sniffed that he’s “written over twenty novels.” Fine. Just one question, bub:

Where they all this bad?

Cuz about about the best thing you can say about this snoozer is “banal” and “big windy.” In fact, if you look up “pointless slog” in Merriam’s, you’ll find a photo of this Total Waste of Time a la week old sushi.

The author complained about a low score we gave it on another platform. What he didn’t realize is that 2.0 was a gift. Here’s what we really think of this pile of cow pucky: 0.0.

Oh, boo-hoo.

Happy Honeymoon, Deadly Diversions

By: Roger L. Thomas

Genre: Zzzzzzz

Sorry, bub. You lost us when you misrepresented the length of your book write (that’s not a typo) out of the gate. It was listed at “6,000 words.” It’s closer to about 230 pages. Off to the Big Kitty Litter Box you go!

Reinventing What Print Can Be

By: An anonymous three year-old, apparently

Genre: State of Confusion

Oh, look! A book that tries so hard to be cute and “leading edge,” it winds up with a gigantor case of paper cuts. Obtuse, opaque and incoherent. On a good day.

Bereft of any unifying or clearly identifiable theme and pretty much everything else that matters, this book is also hamstrung by its formatting. The kaleidoscopic array of multi visual styles and fonts is jarring. Quick! Someone pass the Tylenol! Worse, there’s no real “story” here. It’s like the neighbor’s cat decided to finger paint the garage.

Gag me with Meow Mix. Or Tylenol.

In Our Truck and Camper

By Larry O

Here’s what our one-sentence synopsis said elsewhere: This narrative about the traveling adventurers of two friends spanning 40 years has potential but lacks discipline and focus.

We were just being kind. What we really meant is: Did you just barf all over the keyboard, or did you intend to write a book this bad?

The Description of Creation

By: “The Unknown”

Note to self: Always pass on authors who go by “The Unknown.”

Cuz you – yes you – can overcome boredom and create the life you want to live by harnessing your energy like “nature” did to create the universe! 

There. Just saved ya about 25 meandering pages of Oh, Really? And a double helping of, You’re kidding, right? Gag me.

Snowfall

By Mitchell Smith

Over 100 pages in and all that’s really happened is death, mayhem, and blood. People and animals killed. Left and right.

Can’t believe I wasted twenty-five cents on this hunk of horse hooey. No wonder it was in the Used Book Sale bin at .$25. Bye!

Magpie

Not worth linking to

By Elizabeth Day

Remember that old black and white flick from 1944, Gaslight? With Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer? If you’ve seen the movie, then you don’t need to bother with this romp through the garbage dump. It’s almost a carbon copy. Only with bad lighting. And characters whose mouths could all benefit from an industrial-strength bar of soap. It’s also painfully over-written in places. And you can see the ending a mile away.

Worse, this book’s main message boils down to: It’s all about Me. Me, me, me. My, my, my. I want, I want, I want. Gimme. Gimme. Gimme. Three hundred and twenty pages of “adults” acting like two year-olds who are overdue for their naps.

Cuz, hey. Lying, cheating, scheming? Immorality, infidelity? Insidious manipulating galore? It’s all just fine and dandy as long as I get what I want. 

Nap time, kiddies?

Barf-o-meter

The rest of this snoozer on steroids sneers at any kind of standards, common sense, or a gnat’s worth of brains.  Which makes it a Perfect 10 on our barf-o-meter. In fact, if you look up “gaslighting” in the dictionary, it’s got a picture of this book right next to the definition. Or should.

What book duds have you discovered lately? Save your fellow readers some time by letting us know so we don’t have to bother.