Hello Friends!

If you’ve been with us for any length of time – say, 20 minutes or so – you know that Mom and I are like, totally unimpressed with the words “Best-selling author.” Or its kissing cousins, “(fill in the blank) Award Winner.” Ditto“Over a bazillion copies in print.” The fact that everyone and their neighbor’s cat is crowing about a new release impresses us about as much as a plate of overcooked cabbage. Without the plate.

Yeppers. We’ve heaped praise on unknown indie authors who’ve earned it. We’ve also panned Pulitzer Prize winners who deserved it. Ya just never know.

So here, in living technicolor, is our latest round of best-sellers that bombed. According to us. We read these so’s you don’t have to. You’re welcome:

1. By Any Other Name by Jodi Picoult

 Ever felt like you just took a swan dive into the deep end of a swimming pool when the water was drained? Thud. Or probably splat.

That’s what reading this bale of bad is like. It’s supposedly a novel about two women, centuries apart. One is 16th century Emilia Brassano, the “real” author of Shakespeare’s plays. The other is present day Melina Green, a struggling playwright with a chip on her shoulder a mile high (kinda like the author). Both are  forced to hide their work behind male pseudonyms. Or… something.

Get ready for whiplash as the author ping-pongs back and forth through different centuries and characters. And forth and back and back and forth…. And me without my Dramamine.

Yea, verily. This puppy’s as dense as peanut butter, with an injection of artificial melodrama that’d fell an elephant. 

Additional Demerits

Should also come with a warning label: Caution. R-ranted political rant thinly disguised as fiction inside. 

Well, Barf

Gave this load of horse hooey several second chances. Lost us permanently at bear baiting. Oh, and that “other name”?How ’bout Tedious with a capital “T”?  So outta here.

2. The Gangster by Clive Cussler

Set in 1906 New York City. The Italian crime group known as the Black Hand is on a spree: kidnapping, extortion, arson. Detective Isaac Bell of the Van Dorn Agency is hired to form a special Black Hand Squad. But the gangsters appear to be everywhere – so much so that Bell begins to wonder if there are imitators, criminals using the name for the terror effect. And then the murders begin…

Nah…

Sounds like a barn burner, right? 

Wrong.

We’ve seen paint peel faster than this snoozer. Had to force ourselves to finish this sucker. Never a good sign. Yawn.

3. Summer Island – Kristin Hannah

An epic cautionary tale about not making bad decisions that’ll ruin your life. The author probably didn’t intend it that way. But there ya go. Oops.

Speaking of which, this weepy, wheezy soap opera on steroids trots out a boat load of cheap parlor tricks, a paper-thin plot, and enough manufactured emotion to sink the Bismarck. It’s like some C-list author typed it up and tried to pass it off as a Hannah novel. Brittle. Contrived. Vapid. Gag me with stale kale.

4. Never Let Me Go – Kazuo Ishiguro

Don’t care what prize this hunka junk was awarded. It’s still a hunka junk. Tries so hard to be edgy. Envelope-pushy. It falls flat. Think plateful of wilted arugula.

Among other things, the narrator, Kathy H., has a habit of getting ahead of herself. It’s like she just can’t resist telling us about a crucial turning point or event, then realizes she’s spilling the beans too soon. And forces herself to backtrack in order to set-up the next major point – usually with, “I’ll return to that later” or “more on that later.” It’s enough to make ya want to hawk up a hairball. Or walk the neighbor’s cat.

‘Sides. If you’ve read Neal Susterman’s Unwind, you’ve pretty much already read this. Or you could just watch a test pattern. The test pattern would be a better use of your time.

5. Catcher in the Rye – J.D. Salinger

You have got to be kidding me. How this marginally coherent blast of hot air ever broke into print in the first place is a mystery on the order of the riddle of the Sphinx. But “bestseller”? Not even the Oracle of Delphi could explain that one.

Have you read a “bestseller” that was over-rated?