In The World According to Her Momness, the Four Basic Food Groups are:

1. Dark Chocolate
2. Milk Chocolate
3. White Chocolate
4. Raspberry White Chocolate Cheesecake.

Remembering Mom’s penchant for all things chocolatey and chuckle-worthy, someone recently suggested we check into author Karen Scalf Linamen. Linamen published several popular faith-flavored books in the 1990s and early 2000s “offering unique insights and humor.”

So we scoured the shelves of our local library. Zip. Zero. Nada. Not to fret. We ordered a coupla Linamen titles via Interlibrary Loan. It took a while. But they finally arrived. Both recommended titles are “best sellers.” They are… drum roll please:

 Just Hand Over the Chocolate and No One Will Get Hurt, and The Chocolate Diaries: Secrets for a Sweeter Journey on the Rocky Road of Life.

We decided to dive into a double rather than a single to get a feel for the author’s style and substance. Are they worth reading or just Wash-Rinse-Repeat brain fluff? Well, Toots. Let’s start with the first one:

Just Hand Over the Chocolate and No One Will Get Hurt

By Karen Scalf Linamen (Fleming H. Revell, 1999)

Genre: Christian Non-Fiction/Women’s Fiction. Self-Help. Motivational

Pages: 172 (Print)

Via: Library

This book arrived via ILL from the Roundup Community Library in Roundup, Montana. Its fifteen chapters can “help you feel better physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually.” None are “quick fixes,” cautions Linamen in the Intro. She continues, “Other chapters, however, provide long-range solutions to help solve even the deepest wounds.”

Delivery or Digiorno?

Does Just Hand Over deliver? The answer is Maybe. It also depends on who you ask. Some peeps will love this book. Rave about it with double-fisted forks. Others may put it back in the Frozen Foods aisle. Here’s our take:

While the writing prances and pirouettes like Mikhail Baryshnikov in places, it’s as pedestrian as Gumby in others. Also, a few more trips around the sun would add gravitas to this book. I mean, c’mon. Sage advice on “life’s challenges” from a thirty-something? This may rub charter members of the Eye Witness to the Parting of the Red Sea Alumni Club the wrong way. Some content seems to be auditioning for a starring role in The Department of Duh. 

Department of Duh?

Cuz, remember: “Gardens can make us feel more connected with nature.” And, “Get creative. Have fun. Play a little. You’ll be amazed at how great it feels.” How ‘bout this award-winning sagacity: “Life is tough. It can evoke emotions of frustration and anger and sadness.” Or, “If we can envision something in our minds, chances are we can create it in our reality.” Ditto, “Believe it or not, we learn far more from our failures than from our successes.” And other such earth-shattering pearls of wisdom from the Department of Duh.

Take Chapter 3, A Friend in Need Needs a Friend, Indeed. It’s about “becoming a better friend.” Now, depending on where you are in life, this chapter will either be a Eureka! moment on the order of conquering Mount Everest, or a dusty lecture out of Ms. Puffindale’s 3rd grade English class. Ditto the list of Dos and Don’ts of Feminine Fellowship: Do follow up on promises! Listen! Tell her the truth! Don’t tell secrets!

Additionally, the repeated use of phrases like, “Now, don’t get me wrong,” or “Now, don’t misunderstand” drip off pages like fine whine. (That’s not a typo. Case you’re wondering.) This may cause some readers to want to get the author wrong or deliberately misunderstand.

On the other hand, the author shares a lot about her battle with clinical depression and where to get help. Also trying to adjust to rural life in Indiana after a move from Los Angeles and how to cope with unhealthy thoughts and crippling emotions like fear. The why and how of personal boundaries. Out of 15 chapters, the strongest chapter by far is the final one, Tend to Your Soul.

A Caveat

Steeped in spunk, sass and savoir faire, Just Hand Over the Chocolate stirs up inspiration, wit, and whimsy. The writing sudses along at a brisk pace. The tone is upbeat and engaging. It’s highly readable. With one caveat. And it’s kind of a biggie: There’s not much here that your average fluff ball couldn’t come up with after another scoop of Meow Mix. In fact, most of this book boils down to some pretty basic, not exactly heady stuff. Like setting and keeping healthy personal boundaries. Eat right and exercise. Forgive. Nurture friendships. Laugh. Spend time in nature. Take a bubble bath. Take a walk. Take a nap. Take two aspirins and call me in the morning. (Naw. Not really. Just seeing if you’re still paying attention.)

That DiGiorno thing. Yawn.

And Another…

Wait. Did we say “one caveat”? Okay. One of us fibbed. Cuz there are two more: 1) There’s not much in this book that relates to the title. Oops. 2) Some readers will find the Open up the doors to every room in my house and head, cart out every stick of furniture available and set up a garage sale style transparent or authentic; others may find it cringeworthy. Or just Too. Much. Information.

Kimber: I can’t believe this author overlooked The Great Key to Magnificence, Brilliance, Resilience, Good Health, and Overall Awesomeness: Get. A. Dog. Sheesh.

The Chocolate Diaries: Secrets for a Sweeter Journey on the Rocky Road to Life

By Karen Scalf Linamen (Waterbrook Press, 2011)

Genre: Christian Non-Fiction/Women’s Fiction. Self-Help. Motivational

Pages: 192 (Print, plus an Appendix and Notes))

Via: Library

This came in via the Pikes Peak Community College Library, Colorado Springs, Colorado. (See? A well-traveled tome.) Similar to Just Hand Over the Chocolate, Linamen pens 15 chapters of stories from women “who reveal savvy strategies for embracing a sweeter life—even while traveling rocky roads.” Crows one review, “If you’re a fan of both chocolate and life wisdom, this one is a must-read!

More Seasoned

Published 12 years after Just Hand Over came out, this book features an older, more seasoned Linamen. The writing is deeper. More robust.

Diaries includes stories from people who’ve “extracted both the good and the bad from their pasts and blended it all to create lives that are rich and satisfying.”

Wait. What?

Speaking of 12 years down the road, we must’ve missed something since Just Hand Over hit the shelves and Diaries came out. In Just Hand Over, Linamen writes glowingly about her hubby and waxes lyrical about her marriage and two daughters.

In chapter 3 of Diaries we read about the author’s move from a Denver suburb to “a big house in the woods in Colorado Springs so I could live closer to my family.” Before you can say Border Collie Brilliance, we read that Linamen’s nineteen year-old daughter is steamed cuz the author is “dating someone she didn’t think was right for me.” (p. 24).

Wait. What?

Apparently there was a divorce somewhere between Just Hand Over and Diaries.

Odd-o-Matic?

Indeed, one thing that struck us as Odd-o-Matic (that’s not typo) about this book is an experience Linamen shares in Chapter 10, Who’s Your Daddy? (If He’s a King, What Does That Make You?) In this chapter the author talks about how she and her then-boyfriend, later husband and then ex-husband met her grandparents at the Presidential Suite of the Anaheim Hilton. Her grandparents founded “Full Gospel Business Men’s International.”

Once inside the suite with granny and gramps, the author relates how she and hubby/ex-to-be met Pat and Shirley Boone. It seems the Boones were “On the brink of divorce” in the 1960s when an “encounter with God… changed their lives” and “saved their marriage.” Some readers may wonder, So what happened, sister? God changed the Boones’ lives and “saved their marriage,” but not yours?

Re-Runs?

In terms of content, a lot of the advice in this second chocolatey book is more or less a re-run of the Just Hand Over: Get rid of clutter. Do random acts of kindness. Make friends. Eat right. Exercise. Get adequate rest. Forgive. “Eat chocolate. Write More. Feel Better.” (Kimber: Works for Mom! She’s been doing it since shortly after the discovery of fire. Don’t tell her I said that, okay?)

Format

The format in Diaries includes a Sweet Secrets section where other women share their “secret to a sweeter journey on the rocky road of life.” Most of these could be written by the neighbor’s cat: “Pray a lot and then reach out to a friend to experience God’s love with skin on it!” Or, “Prayer works. So does talking to friends. Music also works well!”

So parts of this book are like, Just hit the Snooze button again, Buttercup.

Flavors

Still, this book has a different flavor to it than Just Hand Over. And we don’t mean strawberry or vanilla. It’s less self-absorbed. Less chirpy. It exudes a maturity that can be hard to find in Just. Also, the chirpy chapterly bullet lists are dialed back.  (Thank you, God.)

Bonus points: Because Real Women Don’t Need a Cookbook! These sections include tips and ideas for making your very own quick and easy chocolate treats. Yum!

The Writing

As is the case with Just Hand Over, the writing is perky, plucky, and pithy. The book is structurally sound, the pacing is nimble. Like Just, it’s pretty much another whirl through the Kenmore, aka: Wash-Rinse-Repeat a la Friends. Laughter. Tears. Prayer. Sisterhood rocks!

So, Cookie. Is Diaries worth reading? If you like your Rocky Road in a single-scoop cone, yeah. If you prefer a triple scoop in a deep dish, you might want head over to Elisabeth Elliot, Max Lucado, or John Eldredge.

And So…

Linamen has authored 15 books for women to date. Some are dubbed “must read.” We could’ve ordered more. Two’s sufficient, thanks very much.

There’s lots to like about these books and Linamen’s writing style. Buoyant and breezy, it skims along at a good clip. Welling with wit and warmth, the stories and acedotes are real, relatable, and often chuckle-worthy. Entertaining? Yes. Engaging? Check. But “must read”? That’s a stretch. Think L.A. to Miami.

Noted above, there’s a wash-rinse-repeat cycle to much of the content. It starts feeling like a carton of milk that’s been left out since G.W. Bush was in office. There’s also a fair amount of mile-wide, quarter-inch deep.

The Verdict

Mixed bag.

So, Cupcake. We’re rendering a split decision on this one:

Writing and Style: 3.5

Gravitas: 2.5

Finally, if you’re looking for a tasty read of the lemon meringue variety, these Linamen titles fill the bill. They’re fun, frothy, and flavorful. But if you’re looking to sink your teeth into filet mignon, keep looking. Cuz this ain’t it.