It’s time for another rip-roarin’ edition of DNF Nominees and the Pepto Petrol!

That’s when we dive into a well-anticipated book and go Gag Me. Like, “Good thing that dive was cushioned by a nice, thick slab of granite or I might’ve been seriously injured.” Or trying to really, really like a book only to reach for the nearest bottle of Pepto.

Well. Books are supposed to be enjoyable and engaging, capeesh? So if ya gotta force yourself to read a book, that kind of defeats the whole purpose, right?

We could not force ourselves to finish the titles below. Usually cuz they either moved at glacial speed, numbed our brain into a dopamine stupor, or could’ve doubled as a bunch of arugula.

Here are four of our latest nominees for the DNF Pepto Patrol. In no particular order:

1.Mom & Dad are Dinosaurs

By Frank Mastropolo

This book is listed as “Humor & Comedy.” Great. Except for one thing: It ain’t funny. It’s purportedly about a wisecracking kid who’s determined to drag his clueless parents into the 21^st century. Sampling:

“It takes Dad two hours to watch 60 Minutes.” Or, “Mom likes watching the Discovery Channel. She discovered she married the wrong person.” How ’bout, “Mom has a weight problem. The Donner party could have lived off her all winter.”

That’s supposed to be funny?

Adding insult to injury, there’s absolutely no character development. No background. No setting. No context or introduction as to who this smart-mouth wiseacre kid is, where he comes from, his age, or even a name. Or why we should spend five seconds on this canned collection of asinine one-liners, cheap shots, and snide comments aimed at ridiculing Mom and Dad and how stupid they are.

It’s not funny. It’s obnoxious. Too bad the author didn’t get the Mom memo explaining the diff. Cuz reading this hunka junk is like spending a week at Saturday Night at the Oops-prov. Barf me.

2. The Real Golden Girls aka: “The Book”

By Gloria McCarthy

Any title that includes the words “aka” should be a clue. What turned us off right out of the chute? The author misrepresents the length of her book. It’s listed at “0 -1,000 words.” So imagine our miffedness when we downloaded and opened the book only to find it clocking in at a cool 300+ pages. So uncool. Buh-bye!

3. Confronting Power and Chaos

By Christine Skarbek

Lady Whines-a-Lot decides her ho-hum Midwestern life oughtta go the way of The Bridges of Madison County or Mata Hari after she discovers a distant cousin who was a WWII spy. Or… something.

This is one of those “wait till it gets better” books. Newsflash, Cupcake: Our TBR pile looks like Mount Everest. Our Review Request queue is a mile long. And growing. We DO NOT HAVE TIME to “wait till it gets better.” Or “wait till the chapter on….”

So listen up, Toots: If you haven’t grabbed us in the first few chapters, we’re doneski. Outta here.

And when Lady WAL blames a radio talk show host for “taking a wrecking ball to our marriage,” it was time to hit Eject. So once more for those in the back: We DO NOT HAVE TIME to “wait till it gets better.” Or scout up another bottle of No Doze.

4. Out of Time

By Mark Golding

This book is billed as a “middle grade fantasy” starring 12 year-old Joe Jackson. It’s “an adventure through time and space where he meets Max, a young alien whose spaceship has crash-landed on Earth.” It’s listed at “40,000 words.” It’s waaaay over that. Again, we just don’t have time for books that fudge their word or page counts. Sayonara baby!

 

What kind of books are on your DNF list?