Ever get a whiff of a skunk? You don’t need to get close. One whiff is Plenty. (Don’t ask how I know that.)
Mom and I, we read. A lot. Like, 300+ books a year on average. We know what we like. What we don’t. What works. What stinketh. We try to approach every book with an open mind. Give it a chance. That being said, it doesn’t take us long to smell out a stinker.
We pass our “olfactory discoveries” on to you at no extra charge. To save you some time. Consider it a Public Service Announcement.
So here’s our newest list of literary skunks. These titles top our most recent DNF (Did Not Finish) list. Cuz they’re stinkers. Here’s why:
1. The Sound of the Hours
By Karen Campbell
Talk about a snoozefest. This yawner and a half styles itself as a historical fiction set in September 1943. In German-occupied Tuscany, Italy. America’s Buffalo soldiers prepare to invade. Young Vittoria Guidi falls in love with Frank chapel, a young, black American solider fighting with the Buffalo soldiers. “Can their growing love overcome prejudice and fear?” Can I keep my eyes open long enough to care?
Had high hopes for this book. What a dud. It moves like a downhill glacier from the Pleistocene Age. Wanders onto so many bunny trails, even the bunnies get lost. Talking to a brick is more interesting than this snoozer. About the best thing you can say about this book is that it’s as dull as a blunt spoon, up to its neck in disagreeable and unlikeable characters.
Bailed out at page 217. That’s about 200 pages past this stinker’s useful shelf life.
2. Zapped
Oh, look. Another book that misrepresents itself.
Zapped is supposedly “An animal adventure story with science-fiction overtones.” It includes a shrinking machine that might help gerbils win the respect of other rodents. And asks how a human might feel being gerbil-sized.
It lists at “0-1,000 words.” When downloaded, however, it’s over 250 pages. Well. If we wanted a 250 page book, we’d grab one. Off to the Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire! file with ya, and be quick about it!
3. Maybe Next Time
By Cesca Major
Someone who shall remain nameless recommended this book. Remind Mom to take Ms. Nameless off our Christmas card list. Cuz, Yowza! Talk about a loser. This lemon would make the neighbor’s cat gag. And he’ll eat anything!
A foul-mouthed, uber self-absorbed London literary agent can’t figure out how to turn off her phone and prioritize what matters. Like her two kids. Her husband, Dan. They all get short shrift cuz Emma is waaaay too busy running around at 100 mph with her hair on fire, going everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
Until Emma and Dan have a “row.” Miffed, hubby storms out of the house with Gus the dog in tow. Dan gets hit by a car and dies. Emma wakes up the next day and Dan’s not dead. It’s Groundhog Day on auto replay. Or steroids.
Like that’s never been done before. And way better. (Hi, Nicholas Sparks.)
This is supposed to be one of those “brilliant” fiction reads that everyone who doesn’t have anything better to do – like watch paint peel – raves about. We so don’t care. ‘Sides. All we really want to know is How’s Gus? Cuz he’s the only character we care about in this tiresome, redundant and dull-as-dishwater dud. Gag me with Meow Mix!
Bailed out after 160 pages. Thud.
4. Lionhearts
By Nathan Makaryk
Set in 12th century England, Lionhearts pretends to be a “Game of Thrones-ish” story picking up where the legend of Robin Hood leaves off. You know. Marion. King Richard. Will Scarlet. John Little. Severed hands and ears left and right. Red Lions. Street urchins. Characters who couldn’t find their way out of an intelligible plot with a road map.
It’s really just one giant wallow in the pig trough. Oh, look. A potty-mouthed band of “merry men” wandering around Nottingham doing their best impression of talking garbage.
Adding injury to insult is the fact that this vulgar, profane slog moves with the alacrity of a three-toed sloth. The author’s habit of flinging modern day playground vernacular into 12th century mouths also strains credulity. Barf.
5. The Children of the King
By Sonya Hartnett
Such a promising story. Such a flimsy delivery.
This book had so much potential. Intrigue. Mystery. Rich, robust characters. An authentic historical setting. A secret castle. Ghosts.
Unfortunately, it fails to deliver. The characters never really connect. The plot is anemic. The action – what there is of it – becomes stilted and stale. The characters fade into cardboard cutouts after a promising start.
Loose ends are left that way, dangling like a messy ball of yarn, haphazardly unwound. And to think we could’ve been watching paint peel. Yawn.
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There. Just saved ya a buncha time. You’re welcome.
Pages & Paws 